So in the last post, I mentioned that I had recently been diagnosed with depression and GAD. For me, this is a massive deal as I never could have envisioned myself having such a thing. The thing is...a lot of my long-term friends went through the whole emo/punk/scene kid phase at school and believed that because they cut and were sad all the time (and then posted on twitter about it all), that I wasn't depressed. Because I came to school everyday with a smile on my face, I wasn't anxious about the world and where it would take me. Because my mum was super nice and I have a loving boyfriend, nothing could make me want to hurt myself. But the thing they never knew, was I was an expert at hiding things from them. I hated talking about me, I still do tbh, but with time and age, I've learnt its the best way. I concluded that my issues stem from the fear of rejection.
My father left me when I was all but a few months old, just a small, helpless child. As I grew older, and developed into a girl much like my mother, he started to break off contact when it suited him. Can you imagine what it's like to be a 6 year old confused little girl, sitting at her window crying and waiting for her father to come see her when he said. He'd never show. Week after week, he was a let down. As I grew up to the woman I am today, nothing has changed. I am not wanted by him because I'm a girl and I take after my mother and not him. Not wanted because I won't go running back to him after the years and years of mental abuse and confusion. However, when I was only 3, my mother met another man, and he loved me like his own. I loved him to pieces! When my brother was born when I was 5, I loved him too, and soon after, my mother told me she'd be marrying this new man! A new dad! This was the best news, I wanted to change my last name to be a part of the family and to be his daughter. I adored this man to no end! And then 8 years later, our worlds came crashing down when he left. He'd found a new woman in Northampton with her two kids. My brother and I would visit him when he could be bothered to come and get us, not as if mum could. He took the car and she had to leave work. He took everything with him. The car, the money and our shattered hearts. A few months after visiting him, I couldn't stand the happy little family game him and his new bitch were playing. Shouting at MY brother, shouting at me. So, to make sure I never went back, I stole from her. I got the reaction I wanted, I never saw her again.
Over the last few months, I've been an emotional wreck! Taking things out on my partner mainly, and locking myself in a dark room. I like the darkness, you're completely unaware of your surroundings in the dark, and it gives you a sense of the unknown, which is what I feel about myself. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I can remember being such a happy and carefree girl, and now I care too much about the stupidest things. That's the hardest thing about having both depression and anxiety. Depression makes you care about nothing, but anxiety makes you worry about everything. It's like drowning beneath the waves yet you're dying from the thirst.
All the love- L x
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