Madness in the mad house!

Well, this week has been a major ball ache! My step-dad had decided that I put no effort into contacting him or having any kind of relationship with him. What he doesn't understand is I've been playing those same games my whole life with the sperm donor who is my real dad. Not only is he blaming me for the whole relationship failure, he's screwing up my whole family! Everyone I care about is being shat on by him. 

So I've decided to make it easier on him as he clearly gives not one flying back flipping fuck, and make it easier on my depression and anxiety, by cutting contact. I don't want to see him anymore. I've had enough of the games. 

Let's get ready to rambbllleee!

I've pretty much just gone on about my life in the last few posts! When I'm in a better mood, I'll start posting different things such as coping techniques, maybe make up tutorials and reviews, and some advice! If you have any requests or questions, post them in the comments and I'll make sure I get round to them! :)

All the love - L x

Relation-ships: Not quite the Titanic, although a few sank...

Knock Knock... Just me again...hey!

To the person reading this, the likelihood of you knowing me on a personal level is very slim. Therefore, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...my relationships! And no, I haven't got several relations with several guys, I'm talking about general relationships that I make with people. 

The first one is with my partner though. I must admit, I am the luckiest woman in the world. My partner is so very understand about my mood swings (which are more like erratic zoo behaviours displayed by a stressed orang-utan with 3 arms). We've been together for 2 years now and as every couple has, we have our ups and downs, but the only way is up when it comes to him. He's been my rock and my strength throughout everything, the night terrors, the mental scare when I was first assessed to just crappy moods. If he ever found out I'd written publicly about him, he'd probably look like the 3 armed orang-utan! But that's one of the things I love about him! He's stubborn, never gives up on anything, especially me and I could never be more grateful. I owe him my life and when the day comes when he's on one knee (hopefully), I won't even hesitate. J has saved me in every way I could possibly be saved. I'm still here, writing this blog. I thank him for that. I love him.

My mother is the next relationship that is so important to me. She has been there for the last 19 years, putting up with all my shit and craziness. When I was younger, after my step-dad left, I didn't want to live with her anymore. I was 11 years old and my brother had been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. My mum, as the good mother she is, was looking after him the best she could, trying to handle it all on her own. I was selfish and ran away from home to my nans because that's where I wanted to live. I got attention there and I loved seeing my cousins Chelsea and Courtney. However, that night, an argument broke out between my nan and my mum and we stopped speaking to them. Almost 9 years later, I still don't talk to my nan or aunt, and I can't see my cousins, even though I now have two more, and I don't even know their names. 

After all the drama, I told my mum how I felt, that I was only young, going through a massive transition in my life (high school - stupid right?). She looked at me, in a way that only a mother could and I knew she only wanted the best for me. She was a single mother looking after two relatively difficult children and she did an amazing job! Looking at where I am today, knowing I'm who I am thanks to my mother, I couldn't be happier. She's my bestfriend and I couldn't live without her. 

Making friends however was always a bit harder though. I was always a shy kid, the one that would get bullied because she was smart and just wanted a bit of praise for it (still not a teacher's pet!). I made friends in my first school, Montem, but then left in the last year, never really made contact with them...because you know...I was 10. Moving to James Elliman wasn't the worst, but I made friends with a girl I went to nursery with! After that, I moved straight to an all girls school. I knew 2 people, one left and the other was too busy with her own life..but she was 11??  I always tried my best in school! I loved it, learning was the best, and I loved dancing and science! Even though my teacher Mrs Basu was a right prick!! The friends I eventually made in year 9, then stopped talking to me after I kissed the boy that she liked, BUT SHE DIDN'T TELL ME SO I DIDN'T KNOW! I'm not that kind of girl! Sixth form then led me to my dance dudes and biology buddies. They didn't last. Friends outside of school were just as bad! Bitching about me to MY MOTHER?!?! EH? I gave up putting effort into relationships that were pointless! The amount of energy spent was a loss to the amount of energy I was getting. You're not gonna run to the shop when you know its closed? It's a waste of time, like this friendship. However, there were two friends I could count on. I met them in year 8 and now we binge watch netflix with wine!! What more could you want! T and L are amazing! I love you both!

University friends though...OMFG! All I can say is how I have no idea how we got in. We're all fools and definitely a crazy bunch! I love them all to pieces and cannot thank them all for the help they've given me! Except you A, You screwed me over hard!

Relationships are so important in life, but make sure the outcomes of them are beneficial to you both!

All the love - L x 

Depression and Anxiety: An illness, not a choice.

Hey!

So in the last post, I mentioned that I had recently been diagnosed with depression and GAD. For me, this is a massive deal as I never could have envisioned myself having such a thing. The thing is...a lot of my long-term friends went through the whole emo/punk/scene kid phase at school and believed that because they cut and were sad all the time (and then posted on twitter about it all), that I wasn't depressed. Because I came to school everyday with a smile on my face, I wasn't anxious about the world and where it would take me. Because my mum was super nice and I have a loving boyfriend, nothing could make me want to hurt myself. But the thing they never knew, was I was an expert at hiding things from them. I hated talking about me, I still do tbh, but with time and age, I've learnt its the best way. I concluded that my issues stem from the fear of rejection. 

My father left me when I was all but a few months old, just a small, helpless child. As I grew older, and developed into a girl much like my mother, he started to break off contact when it suited him. Can you imagine what it's like to be a 6 year old confused little girl, sitting at her window crying and waiting for her father to come see her when he said. He'd never show. Week after week, he was a let down. As I grew up to the woman I am today, nothing has changed. I am not wanted by him because I'm a girl and I take after my mother and not him. Not wanted because I won't go running back to him after the years and years of mental abuse and confusion. However, when I was only 3, my mother met another man, and he loved me like his own. I loved him to pieces! When my brother was born when I was 5, I loved him too, and soon after, my mother told me she'd be marrying this new man! A new dad! This was the best news, I wanted to change my last name to be a part of the family and to be his daughter. I adored this man to no end! And then 8 years later, our worlds came crashing down when he left. He'd found a new woman in Northampton with her two kids. My brother and I would visit him when he could be bothered to come and get us, not as if mum could. He took the car and she had to leave work.  He took everything with him. The car, the money and our shattered hearts. A few months after visiting him, I couldn't stand the happy little family game him and his new bitch were playing. Shouting at MY brother, shouting at me. So, to make sure I never went back, I stole from her. I got the reaction I wanted, I never saw her again. 

Over the last few months, I've been an emotional wreck! Taking things out on my partner mainly, and locking myself in a dark room. I like the darkness, you're completely unaware of your surroundings in the dark, and it gives you a sense of the unknown, which is what I feel about myself. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I can remember being such a happy and carefree girl, and now I care too much about the stupidest things. That's the hardest thing about having both depression and anxiety. Depression makes you care about nothing, but anxiety makes you worry about everything. It's like drowning beneath the waves yet you're dying from the thirst.

All the love- L x

Welcoming Committee...

Hi, My name is Lanaya and I'm 19 years old from London. This is really to share my thoughts and feelings about specific things going on in my life. I like to write to get things out, so if you've stumbled across this and are still reading, you are allowed to stop if I piss you off! Recently, I've been going through a lot regarding my mental health recently and I'm finding it difficult. I was diagnosed with depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) in May, and have had a really hard time. Even though I've had these hard times, I've had some great ones too! I started university in September 2014 and have been accepted for 2015 also, I have made some lovely friends at uni, two of my longer-term friends have also gotten engaged recently and have asked me to be maid of honour which should be exciting! Hopefully, I'll keep posting on here, and if you want to know how I've dealt with things or have any questions you want me to answer, let me know!

All the love - L x